Feelings & Thoughts

I feel...I don't really know. Is that weird? Maybe. I feel a terrible surge of jealousy. This mono thing has really got me down. I feel like I am trying to swim in jello, with two HUGE weights, that are constantly dragging me down, and everyone else has no weights and are swimming through the jello like it is water. That is how I feel. I feel jealous of EVERYONE, because they all have more energy than me, and it isn't fair, because I HATE not doing anything. I like to feel productive, and proud of myself, and right now I am chained by this stupid sickness that I shouldn't even have because I didn't kiss anyone to get it! Grrr!!!!

So, back to life. Writing a new book, because the book I was writing before, The Chapters of Ennem, is much too complicated for my little pea-brain right now. So, yea. I actually want to scream. Because even writing little posts like this in my blog takes a lot of energy. So, I guess be grateful for your energy, because you never know when it will just melt away. Like mine.

I feel like my blogs purpose is drifting. I originally wanted to talk about  writing, and how it affects your life, but I don't think this is what is happening. I bet a lot of people skim over this, and quit reading a lot, and I don't blame them. I mean, gee, my life isn't much fun to read about. I can't even believe that I have THREE followers. Please, enlighten me, and tell me exactly why! I just don't understand it. I want to share my writing, but I guess I fear too much that you will hate it, or think it is too short. I don't want to post anything that isn't perfect. Which is stupid, since I would only post it for advice/help, not to win a blue ribbon. Help me out guys, and give me a little courage.

So, now I really see things differently. I had a friend, named Mark (not really), who had major health problems all of the time. He almost never came to school and he was one of my very best friends. Football was his life (but unfortunately, he will probably never be able to play it, even in fun, again in his life). But then he had to get surgery on his feet, and then his stomach, and then...well, you get the picture. I actually understand what was behind his ashen face, hidden inside his eyes. He was tired. Tired of fighting, and of complaining, of wishing, of failing, and of never getting what he wanted. He wanted to be rid of this disease inside of his body, and all he got was pity. And more pain. This isn't even what I get. I don't even get pity. My family, (besides my mom) all keep telling me to man up. Hey, I'm just a girl! I am weak in a lot of ways, and when your whole body turns against you, and limits all you can and want to be, IT IS NOT EASY!!!! I just want to slap them all. But more than pity, people like me need love. No, not holding hands, or giving kisses ( because then you will just get it xD just kidding), and not really doing things (because half of the time you have no energy) but just being there. That is sooo important! I don't ever feel like anyone is here for me. I mean, my brothers love me, but they don't CARE. Make sense? There is such thing, and it isn't very good love at all. My mom, and stepdad are always worrying, about my brothers, the bills, and constantly reminding me (they say it is teasing, but it sounds a whole lot meaner) about how much I cost them, am costing them, and will continue to cost them. And I don't like it. I just want a friend to be here. I really miss everyone, even the people I have never even met. I feel like I am on an alien plant, and no one cares, and I am alone.


So, I bet this post made a lot of sense. I will try to get back on track and post more about writing and not just me (as interesting as I am xD). I hope you enjoy your day! :)