I Live in a Dream

Okay, so today, I remembered what the song was called! :D Haha xD So anyway, It was called I am a Rock by Simon and Garfunkel. I think that it is time that I change the music again...xD I need to give yas varieties  xD I dunno what that was all about, but okayyyy....xD

So, anyhow, I got this really fun and awesome story started at school yesterday, but it hadn't really....well, taken it's place in the world. It was like two sentences. But today, I took those sentences and I have created the start of a story, and I am super excited to see where this will go from here. I have a character named Kiri so far and this other one called Roku. I like Kiri, but I am super un-sure about Roku. What do you think? I need your advice!! It must be weird-ish, like Kiri..you know? I have yet to type the story up yet (I'll give you a look at it when it is typed up--I promise!), but I feel really good about this one. Oh, I also have a poem I haven't typed up yet...I'm working on it, okay?

Haha, so things have been normal-ish here lately...just semester exams and all of that stuff...nothing exciting, that is for sure. For now I am just focusing on pumping out as many poems as I can. I feel like I need....quantity! xD For some unknown reason. I am not really sure why.......I guess it must have some reason for being in my head.....I know! Lately I have been feeling a little clogged up. This poems that I write are just about as natural to me as tears, and laughter, and...you know, that stuff--are to everyone else in the world. Poems to me take ZERO creativity; I rarely have to even think. They just run onto the paper. Same thing with writing. It is like everything comes out of the pen. I...I dunno.

Okay, here's what is up. My good friend N (previously mentioned) Told me that she felt that she had a curse/ability thing. Okay, so I vote for the ability thing, because curses....I only think they are placed on evil people. Anyhow, the ability was that she was so talented that she didn't feel like she was doing it. She felt like all of her abilities weren't worked for, fought for, or anything, really. They just sort fell into her lap. She has NO challenges, and she is just....in limbo. (Not like THE limbo that...I forgot who exactly believes in that...xD But NOT that one. xD)

I feel sorta similar. I feel like too many good thing happen to me. It is just crazy unnatural. But...well, the other thing is I feel like I am in a dream. Like I am floating, and everyone else is walking like normal people. I drift through everything, like a ghost, except not. I have no roots, nothing tying me down anywhere. It is so weird. And something is telling me that I better hold onto something, or I will blow away.

That very same friend told me that I was strong. Everyone tells me that. I get told that so often, it's insane. If they only knew how violent I have to fight to live everyday. I am not strong at all. I am a wisp of life. I am so frail, you can touch me, and I will start to cry. It is just weird how NO ONE can even see that. :b I...I mean, even at school, I forget that I am human, that I live and walk, and eat. I forget I have anything to do with this earth. It is so weird, that....well, I'm sure you won't believe it. Almost positive. I just...I forget where I am and what I am doing . Life just doesn't seem real to me. And horrible, earth-shattering things don't help either, although you would think they would send me crashing back to earth. In fact, the harder things get, the higher I float, as though I am afraid to admit that I am on earth, and face the life that comes with it. I just...sometimes it is hard for me to care about things and I kind of go into a trace. I just can't seem to snap out of this weirdness. You guys, I almost want to tell you a freaky story, but I won't. I will spare you it all.

I wish you could understand. I wish you could pull me down. I can't really explain it. And it isn't always there, sometimes I have real, hard moments in life where I do feel like I live on earth, but...it isn't permanent. Like...when I am in a dream-like state, I forget what it is like to be normal, and when I am in normal, I forget what it is like to be living in a dream. Does that make sense? It is so incredibly weird.

This is the deal. I feel like I am not completely here. Maybe something traumatic happened, and I lost part of me, and I haven't come back yet. It is hard, too, because no matter what I do, I can't seem to bring it back. Like it is dead for sure. But sometimes, I feel like it is stirring inside of me, and I want to let it out of it's prison, but no matter what I do, it won't come free. I am almost terrified to let it out now, because I have read about how people naturally hide horrifying events and such and lock it far down deep within their brains. What could've been so terrible that I have forgotten, and that won't stop haunting me? I am very fearful, but without this piece, I am practically not here. This is a most peculiar problem to have, but nonetheless, it is here. I can't seem to focus on anything, and things seem so awfully unimportant...even things that mean SO much to me. Like, I want it, but then something tells me that...that it won't last, that why bother because in the grand spectrum of things, why...you have no time to get very far.

This is all very strange,  and I think I have weirded you guys out enough already. I am trying to figure this all out as I type it, but it doesn't really make much sense to me when written (almost said on paper...this is most definitely NOT paper...xD), and, well, I am afraid this just can't be explained much better than that...sorry, about confusing you and blabbering on. Have a nice day! :)

~Evening Star